Lost in Paradise
by theMT
Summary: When Starbug crashes on an S3 planet, the Dwarfers think they found what they've been wishing for. But is it truly what they want? Slash in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf. Never have, never will.

Chapter 1: Impact

"Um, sir?" said Kryten timidly from behind the locked door.

"What is it _now _Kryte?" replied Lister. He was fully ensconced in his bunk with 20 issues of _What Bike? _and his own body weight in lager to drink. He wasn't planning on moving for a very long time. But Kryten seemed to have another idea. The mechanoid had already been to the door of Starbug's sleeping quarters 5 times in the last half hour, asking Lister various questions, such as his preference on how his socks were ironed, and exactly how many cornflakes Lister wanted for breakfast. Lister was starting to think that Rimmer was right when he said Kryten had Mad-Droid disease. He finally got fed up after "Exactly what temperature curry sauce, sir?" and locked himself in his sleeping quarters with, as far as Lister was concerned, all he needed in life.

"I'm sorry to bother you again, sir, but it's quite urgent." called Kryten.

_That's what you said the last 5 times you bothered me. _Still, Lister decided to humor the old boy. He reluctantly detached himself from his bunk, oozed over and disabled the lock.

"I'm so sorry to bother you again, sir. I know I've been a tad…tetchy (he grimaced)… today, but I just want to make you happy. Now that we've lost Red Dwarf and I don't have 10 miles worth of ship to take care of, I find myself at a loose end most days. I-"

"Kryten, get on with it and then leave me alone, for smeg's sake."

"Well, sir, I just came to tell you that we're sort of about to crash into an S3 planet. Mr. Rimmer's changing to the red alert bulb as we speak."

"Smeg!" yelled Lister. "Why didn't you just tell me instead of all that namby pamby stuff about being in deep space too long?!"

"I just felt so bad about bothering you, sir!" replied Kryten in a hurt tone.

"Well never mind that now." said Lister as he headed full-speed towards the cockpit. "What's our plan of action?" As Lister finished his sentence he entered the cockpit and joined the rest of the crew. The Cat was busy exclaiming that this crash better not mess up his hair, and Rimmer, as usual, was taking a deep breath and getting ready to insult him.

"Save it, Rimmer. We need to do something about this."

Rimmer shut his mouth with a glare and went back to staring at the panel in front of him. He was looking his normal self: smarmy, wide-nostriled, and sharp, right down to the shiny boots you could eat off of. He was dressed in blue, having switched over to hard-light the moment danger was presented. Lister had to admit that after Legion had given him his hard-light bee, Rimmer had changed. He became more….responsible or something. Lister knew how much not being able to touch bothered Rimmer (he never stopped whining about it after all); but now Rimmer usually stayed in soft-light form anyway. He knew it drained their precious power supply to stay in hard-light form all the time, so he only switched when they needed his help. Lister supposed that this was only because having the option of touching made not being able to easier to bear. Still, considering that this _was _Rimmer, it was still a big sacrifice. Losing Red Dwarf also stopped all that "Up up up the ziggurat, lickety split" smeg. All in all it made him a more sufferable insufferable git.

"The planet's gravitational field is pulling us down towards the surface. Unfortunately we can't prevent that from occurring. All we _can _do is try to slow ourselves down as much as possible and hope that the damage to Starbug will be minimal enough to repair." explained Kryten.

"How are we supposed to do that then? Tie Lister's long johns to the back of the ship and hope that their sheer volume works as a drag chute?" Rimmer couldn't help but be pleased with his clever fat joke.

"No, sir. I was simply suggesting that we make as if we _were_ going to land on purpose, 'use the brake' so to speak. We are moving much faster than we would be if we were going to intentionally land, but it should be enough to slow us down considerably before impact." answered Kryten.

The ship shuddered as they broke through the atmosphere.

"Here we go!" called out Lister, as he began trying to slow the ship down.

"All I can say is that if this crash even tries to crease my suit, someone's going to see one angry kitty." muttered the Cat, as the scraping sound of metal on gravel broke through the air.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Utopia

Starbug hit hard, despite the "slow-down" plan, and all 4 of them were pitched forward. The Cat was thrown over the controls, Lister smacked against the windscreen. Kryten and Rimmer ended up tangled in the middle of the aisle. Rimmer, with his indestructible hard-light bee, was up first.

"Are you OK?" he asked as he gave Lister a hand up.

"Yeah….yeah I think so." Lister replied, moving slowly to account for any broken bones or other injuries.

"Owwwwwww! Where's my comb? I am in desperate need of some mousse!" squealed the Cat, with his hair all down on his forehead, and he ran off into the back of the ship to find these necessities.

"Well I suppose he's alright then." Lister observed. "What about Kryten?"

"Damage report," Kryten was sitting up on the floor and a ream of paper was funneling out of his abdomen. "Everything looks fine, sir. My zoom function seems to be temporarily disabled, but I will be back online in tip-top shape in no time."

Lister helped the mechanoid off the floor and then proceeded to take in their situation.

"Smeg…"

All 3 looked out the windscreen and saw two things.

The first was Lister's face print on the glass, that started near the top and ended in a glorious smear at the bottom.

The second was what really held their attention.

Outside the window was a veritable Garden of Eden.

A plethora of green, punctuated by brilliantly colored wildflowers; like the field of poppies in the _Wizard of Oz. _Nearby, to the left, lay a cool, dark and leafy forest. Far off in the distance, a bright shimmering could just be made out, suggesting water of some kind. The planet's three suns shown down blindingly onto the vision before them. The sky was a vibrant periwinkle shade, a maybe-it's-blue, maybe-it's-purple color, slightly different from Earth sky. It was filled with puffy clouds that were perhaps rather more silver than those on Earth, but in no way suggested bad weather. For a long moment no-one said anything; they were all trying to absorb what lay before them. The readouts had given no indication of what quality the planet was, only that it was S3 and therefore inhabitable for humans.

"Woooooweee!" exclaimed the Cat, coming up from behind the other three and making them all jump. " Is that some green, or is that some green!"

His hair was back to normal: slicked back, poofed up, and pristine. It appeared that he had taken time to steam his suit and get out whatever minuscule wrinkle it might have had.

"You don't need to tell me." replied Lister, his mouth still agape. They had wrecked on numerous planets, too many to remember, really. None were as beautifully perfect as this. In fact, none of them even came close. _Like the planet we landed on after Ace crashed into us. _Lister smiled as he remember _that_ particular encounter. What a guy. Why couldn't Rimmer be more like that? Well, a bit more like that. Ace was a little too much hero. It slightly disturbed Lister that he didn't seem to have any flaws.

"Lister."

And his voice. It just sounded like an add-on to the whole "I'm so macho."

"Lister!"

And how he knew how to do absolutely _everything_! It just wasn't natural. Yeah, Ace wasn't really all that great.

"LISTER!"

Lister snapped back to the present and saw Rimmer screaming at him.

"What?"

"We've launched the scouter to see what else is out there."

"So?"

"_So _it's going to take about 6 hours to finish, so don't even try going out there until we find out exactly what we're facing."

"Why?"

"Because you could get asphyxiated by some weird flower gas! Or get carried off by some gigantic mosquito that could suck all your blood out in 20 seconds!"

"Aww, so nice to know you worry about me so much!"

If Rimmer's eyes were daggers they would have both been in impaled in Lister's chest right then. But they weren't, so Lister sailed past him and Rimmer was left fuming behind him. Lister made straight for the sleeping quarters. No need to leave all that lager alone by itself.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Reflection

Lister finished the lager and the magazines in about 3 hours. Afterwards, he lay back and considered their circumstances.

The scene they had viewed before them was fantastic. Lister could hardly believe their luck at landing on such a juicy planet. _This could be just what I was looking for. _

In truth, Lister had been hiding out in the sleeping quarters with the door locked not just to get away from Kryten (although that was a smegging good reason). Lister was just getting fed up. At least on Red Dwarf he had had some opportunities to escape from his crewmates. But on Starbug, that was just wishful thinking. The craft was so small, they were practically living on top of each other. Add to that, the lack of distractions. On Red Dwarf he could at least join the Cat in a rousing game of Junior Angler or Durex Volleyball. True, at the time these things seemed purile. Now Lister was constantly wishing he had them back. Starbug wasn't big enough for such things, even if they had the equipment to play them. Obviously they hadn't known they were going to lose Red Dwarf, and as a result a lot of things were left behind. Supplies being the most useful things of course, but all kinds of personal things were left behind as well, things that helped them get by when deep space felt like it was suffocating them. They were able to pick up a few things from derelicts, but it just wasn't the same. _At least I brought my guitar. _Lister never left Red Dwarf without his guitar.

Now in such tight quarters, the tension between the 4 crewmates was so tangible you could snap it with a holo-whip. When Lister thought of them, all he could see was what really got on his kecks about them. Kryten, for example. The way he busied around, his cleaning more obnoxious by far than it had ever been on Red Dwarf; even in those early days before he broke some of his programming. Especially the way he fawned over Lister. The mechanoid had always paid more attention to him then to the Cat or Rimmer, but now….every little thing Lister did was examined by Kryten, and every little thing worried him. Lister felt like the asthmatic child of some overbearing, germaphobic mother. And the Cat. Lister just couldn't stand the way he obsessed over his appearance every minute of the day when there was no-one, and never would be anyone, to see it. They were in deep space, for smeg's sake. Who was going to notice if the Cat's nails were manicured to perfection and not a single hair was out of place on his crotch? Lister supposed the idea of the Cat preening himself for a one in a million chance of meeting anybody was depressing when there was obviously no hope. It was like their tiny quarters were a magnifying glass that took their little annoying habits and imperfections and blew them up tenfold.

And then there was Rimmer.

Rimmer, as absurd as it sounded, didn't actually become more annoying. In fact, he almost became…bearable. It's true that getting his hard-light bee had changed Rimmer for the better. Sure, they still bickered as much as they used to back on the Dwarf, but now they were able to set aside their differences and work together (with the occasional insult thrown in, of course) if it meant helping the crew get through some sort of crisis. However, the new bee did have its drawbacks as well. For instance, now Rimmer could play his Hammond Organ CDs as much as he wanted, as he didn't need to attempt the hopeless task of persuading someone to put them on for him anymore. Adding to that, it was extremely difficult for anyone else to try and take them off again, because Rimmer guarded them with his, er…death, and as his light bee was virtually indestructible, it was equally difficult for anyone to try and force him to take them off. Lister couldn't taunt him anymore about being dead, because hard-light was practically better than being alive. Another disadvantage to that was that now their fighting was no longer simply verbal, but could lead into physical as well, though this rarely happened. Lister had more experience than Rimmer is this department, though he had to admit that Rimmer was a tad stronger than he was. They were very equally pitted against each other and usually the fights only ended when another crisis arose or Kryten managed to distract them with something else. The Cat usually just hung on the sideline and egged Lister on with cries of "Get him, Bud!"

Despite all this, Rimmer and Lister were ok, really. As odd as it sounded, Lister had to admit to himself that of all the crew, Rimmer had almost become the most…friend- like.

_Not that I would ever let him know. _


End file.
